Wow! What a long and overwhelming month it's been. COVID-19 has swept across the world and utterly changed every idea I had of what this year was going to look like. I've had to let some dreams die and others be postponed. I've had to say goodbye to dear friends, and surprisingly gotten to make some new friends as well through that process. It seems like every day has brought new developments and greater challenges than the one before it. I came into this season for some much needed rest, but I had no idea how hard I would have to fight for it.
Just a couple weeks ago, our base was actively shutting down and we all had to find other places to go with just a couple day's notice. The same morning that announcement was made, I had woken up with a sharp pain in my throat. I went into self isolation in my room, notified our team nurse, and waited to see what would happen. I prayed a lot about what to do and I talked with my family back at home, and it was clear that going back to California wasn't going to work out very easily. I spent that day oscillating between serenity and total anxiety. On one hand, I know that God is my protector and provider and that He would meet me in the middle of my hard situation. On the other hand, I wasn't able to see any easy solution before me, and I was already feeling pretty sick. But thankfully I'd already been self isolating on base for over a week, and I knew the chances of me having contracted CV19 were extremely low. Even though I was stuck in my 9'x9' room with literally nothing else I could do, I still found it essentially impossible to rest. I knew I had to go somewhere, but I didn't know where. I also didn't know if I would be permitted to fly either, which posed the potential that I would have to find a local hotel to live in for the upcoming month of lockdown - an expense I certainly didn't have the budget for. Finally that afternoon we spoke with the base doctor and he confirmed my suspicion: I didn't have coronavirus, it was only strep throat. Never in my life did I expect to be so happy to have strep!! I was prescribed some antibiotics and cleared to travel, which took care of one half of my big problem. The other remained: where to go. Finally after a long and laborious day of praying for a miracle, it finally arrived right before I went to bed: my friends who live here on the island gave me a call and invited me to stay with them for as long as I needed to. A whole day of waiting on God to come through, and at the last moment He did in the very best way possible. I would get to save the expense of a plane ticket, not have to go to any hotels, and even have friends to stay with so I wouldn't have to be alone! That day has easily found itself in the list of the 10 most stressful days of my life, and yet as I got ready for bed that night I was struck by how absolutely grateful I was and how unique of a situation I was in. Yes, the day totally sucked and did some major damage to my adrenal recovery, but it also gave me the gift of so many things to be thankful for. I was thankful to have strep rather than something much more serious; thankful for the many people back home who had tried to help me even though they weren't able to; thankful for my friends on base who kept checking up on me and bringing me meals even though they had just as many answers to sort out as I did; and very thankful to be given a place to stay with my Italy team leaders. Everything had ended up exactly the way it needed to, even though it was the last solution I'd ever expected or would have been looking for. Sometimes walking with God is like that. I can trust that He sees the bigger picture and that He knows how everything is going to play out. Sometimes He even gives me a heads up, but He's still in control even if He doesn't. And even though the enemy would like to make me feel like a failure for being stressed by the not knowing, I think God has a huge amount of grace for that too. He knows my heart, and He knows that I just want to do right by Him and by my community. The pressure to make the right choice may way more heavily at times than it should, but it comes from a core motivation of love, honor, and respect. All things that reflect Him and show the work He is doing in my heart. So even though I'm not perfect and I don't have full control over my body's reactions to stress, I know that He is blessed by my heart's desire to do the right thing and take the next right step forward. In the end, we're all hot messes who manage to make a series of mistakes amidst our victories, and yet God uses us in whatever state we're in. He's not looking for perfect servants or super soldiers, just willing and humble hearts that will trust Him right up to (and sometimes past) the point of no return. At the end of the day, no matter what else I have or haven't accomplished, that's all I care to be known for.
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March 2023
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