Today I am reminded that God is the God of bad days too. It isn't hard to praise Him and give Him my everything when life is going smoothly, but He is just as much God in those moments when all I want to do is curl up into a ball and just quit. Even when it feels like life is too much to handle and I get overwhelmed, He is still good and loving and always with me. He doesn't just pop in when I'm a nice person to be around, either. He sits with me in the trenches and never changes or leaves. If all I can do is just cry, He'll hold me and be the shoulder I need to cry on. He rejoices with me in the good times but He also stays constant even when I'm being grumpy and cranky. I don't have to perform for His presence. I don't have to pretend everything is ok. I also don't have I stay that way. The awesome thing about God being who He is, is that it doesn't matter how bad things get, He can and will make it better. The circumstances around me may not change, but as soon as I fix my eyes on Him and ask Him to help me in my mess, He never fails to step in and be there where I need Him. He has always been right by my side and He always will be. Even when I'm frustrated or I don't believe in myself, He is patient with me and faithful to speak peace into my heart if I will only stop and listen. Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV) I love that part - He will meet leave you. Ever. For any reason. No matter how bad, He is faithful to stick with you through the long haul. It has long interested me how we use the word faithful to describe God and faith to describe what we have. He is truly faithful - Constant and reliable. He is unchangable and can be trusted without hesitation. He is worthy of our faith in Him. That's what faith is: trust in Him. I trust that He is who He says He is and that He is faithful to fulfil His promises. I have faith that He will never steer me wrong and that I will never be alone. My faith is directly correlated to His faithfulness, or at least it should be. He's still working out the kinks in me and teaching me along the way, but I can truly say that my faith level has always grown as I have continued to see the evidence of His faithfulness in my life. And as it grows, I become closer to who I am supposed to be in Him. My faith gets tested as I go along. Jesus said faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains. It was in faith that Peter walked on water. There is obviously an aspect to faith that I have yet to understand, but for now I will have the faith to say yes to Him and to follow Him wherever He leads me. I may not be walking on water yet, but the good news is that I can ask Him for more faith and He will give it to me. As I grow in Him, He is faithful to complete the good work He has started in me.
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Admittedly, texting God sounds weird - even sacrilegious - but it's actually really helpful! It's something I learned in my DTS and haven't used in a while, though I don't know why not. It's not what it sounds like, it's actually not that different from just praying and waiting to hear what God says, but on paper.
It's actually so sad how easy it can be to forget to wait and listen quietly for an answer to your prayer. I ask God everything and trust Him for everything, but so often I find that I don't wait long enough to really hear what He is saying back. "Texting God" is a way to stop and listen. Not just listen, but write. I don't know why it's so different, but writing down my prayers makes them feel more tangible. Even in the process of thinking of what to write down, I realize more about what's actually going on in my heart and what is really bothering me. The best part, though, is writing down what He says back. It might just have to do with the fact that I process by writing, but I seem to hear God's voice so clearly when I simply sit down with a pad of paper and write out our dialogue. To the point that He will even answer my questions before I finish writing them down. Looking back, some of the clearest things I have heard from Him and some of the most heart touching moments I've had with Him have been in this place of simple, heartfelt communication. Simply by taking the time to sit down and not get up until He 'writes back' opens something in my own heart to hear Him better. I don't think it has to do with Him honoring it more than any other form of prayer or that there is anything special to the method, but simply the heart posture in it. It can be easy to go to Him with our problems and heart cries, but do we always expect an answer? Sometimes I think it pays off just to operate on the assumption that He does have an answer that He wants to give us. Not just to have the mental expectation that there is an answer and that He wants to tell us, but to follow through with our actions. For me, that is by sitting down and physically writing. Writing what is heavy on my heart and what questions I desperately need answers for. By writing to Him, I am taking a stance in both my heart and my actions that breaks down the walls of my mind and allows me to simply sit and talk with Him as if we really were texting. And more often than not, I find that by the end of our chat I will no longer be dumping out my sorrows but lifting up thanksgivings. His greatness and goodness without fail awe me every time and I cannot help but pour out my soul's response. It can even resemble poetry, which is funny because I am actually very bad at writing poetry of my own volition. Nevertheless, it is one of the ways that God speaks to me and that I get to speak back - by coming just as me and letting my heart respond to how He meets me in it. Why is it that we can get so caught up in our heads without ever letting our actions reflect what we think we believe? I can tell myself I have all the faith in the world, but it seems that faith - like love - without actions is dead. Without stepping out and living the life we have painted in our minds, we don't give ourselves the chance to really be who we want to be. I want to be a woman who sits at the feet of Jesus and lets His words shape and mold me, but I don't see any actual change until I sit down and purposefully listen to what it is He is saying. I want to be a woman who has the word of God buried deep in the core of who I am, but I don't have that until I spend time meditating on His words. I want to be a woman of wisdom and purity in everything that I do, but I can only do that once I study what God says about those things and actually apply them to my life. I want to be Jesus's hands and feet to bring hope and help to the people who need it, but I don't see that desire reflected in my life until I step outside my front door and see who needs help. I want to be a reflection of Jesus's light in everything I do, but how can I be that before I go to the people living in darkness? It is His spirit that guides me and has put these desires in my heart, now it's my turn to stand up and say "Here I am, Lord, send me." Today I had a long overdue chat with God. I will normally get about 30 min of really good time in before the house wakes up and the noise level explodes, but this morning everyone else left early and I found the house blissfully peaceful. Upon cranking up my worship music and reveling in my alone time, we sat down and had a nice talk that really revealed some things to me that I hadn't quite realized yet.
I haven't given myself permission to be me. Not fully, anyways. I am all about expression in any medium I can get my hands on, and I've never been held back by fear of what others think in that sense, but I have let an unspoken pressure creep up on me. I haven't let myself just let go of expectation. Let's be honest, I'm 20 years old. I'm not supposed to have it all figured out yet! I've always been very mature and accomplished for my age and I guess I never realized how much I've let that reflect on my own self image. I find little pride in it, per se, but the fact is that I've become rather used to being very "put together" and knowing what I'm doing. I have been feeling inexplicably off my game in the last few months and had been chalking it up to the process of grieving my grandfather. I do still believe that that has largely impacted my internal state of being of late, and rightly so, but that's not the only thing that's been on my subconscious's mind. It's little things like the fact that I have no idea what I'm doing in April. That I'm pursuing a degree that I'm only %60 sure I want. That people are starting to ask me when my next book is coming out and I don't even know what to write about. That there are so many things I want to do but no answer in sight as to how or which ones. Basically, I've been feeling sub-par to myself. I've grown so much in who I am in the last couple years that I've fallen head over heels in love for God in a way I can only begin to describe. I don't want to find myself wavering in a similar plateau spiritually, though, not knowing where to go. It seems my mind is reflecting my heart. Everything in my life is poised for some kind of turning point, but I don't know what that even means or will look like and it is in that place that I've stopped giving myself room to just not know. To be 20 and still figuring life out. To explore life and not worry about the impact tomorrow will have on the next 10 years of my life. It's the opposite problem, I know, than many people have around my age, but it is also very hard to deal with. I want to give myself that permission - I really do - but at the same time I don't know how. How do I stop taking life so seriously for a moment and enjoy today for what it is? How do I get out of my head and just do and be instead of contemplating all the ins and outs and what-then's first? I was mesmerized by a log on fire as I contemplated and a song came on that sparked another thought. "You provide the fire, I'll provide the sacrifice. You provide the Spirit and I will open up inside..." (Fill Me Up by Jesus Culture) I love that song so much, but it started to mean something new to me as I watched that gnarled, dry log crackle and spark. The log doesn't seem to be doing much. Yes, it's giving off a lot of energy and the fire is even changing its appearance, completely consuming it until there will eventually be nothing left but a small pile of pale ash, but that is what the fire is doing. The log is simply resting in its state of being consumed. What should it look like for me to be that sacrifice? For my life to provide the fuel for that heat, light, and beauty, but only because I am on fire. To be completely at rest in every other way and to be OK with that? |
ErikaJeremiah 29:11 Archives
March 2023
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