I have had a couple absolutely perfect days this week!! I've gotten to connect with fellow believers and share encouragement as well as be encouraged by them. I've gotten to watch the World Cup and enjoy the excitement of the sport with friends and strangers alike. I've gotten to lounge with my sketchbook on the warm riverbank of the Arno on a lazy Sunday afternoon without a care in the world. I've gotten to reconnect with pieces of my heart that had been silent for so long I wondered if they were gone forever. God has opened up special moments, special doors, and special relationships in the most unexpected times and places for no other reason than to bless my heart. There is nothing more humbling. I am so grateful for where I am, who I am, and what God has brought me to right here and right now. I'm excited to see where the future takes me and I'm also apprehensive about the pains I know it will hold, but I don't want either of those things to distract me from enjoying these moments. Moments of peace and sweetness. Moments one can spend a lifetime dreaming about and that are worth remembering for years to come. Moments that are both passive and defining.
Nothing in these last few days has radically shaped my life. I am still the same person with the same perspectives and opinions, heading in the same general direction, and yet the fact that I've had them makes me so much more whole as a person. These memories won't protect me from having bad days in the future, nor will they be enough to even carry me through those bad days, but they will add a special flavor to the way that I see and approach my days to come. Having a good day doesn't invalidate the bad days, and having bad days should never prevent my ability to fully enjoy the good ones. If anything, it should only make them that much sweeter and more worth holding onto when they do come along. Each one simply becomes a new, unique thread added to the tapestry that is being woven - the fabric of who I am.
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This is not going to be a normal post - in fact, I'm anticipating that it's going to be very uncomfortable to write - but it still needs to be written. I am feeling the need to be dangerously vulnerable with my emotional state (while still keeping it PG, no worries) and I'm tired of pretending it's going to go away. I've gone far too long without even being able to acknowledge it to myself, much less to others, and that's a trap I'm needing to escape for the good of my own mind as well as those relationships...
I have anxiety. There, I said it. I'm no weaker for it, and I'm not doing it for the attention either. In fact, this post could go completely unread and unacknowledged and I would be perfectly fine with that because this is more for me than it is for you. And at the same time, it's important that you understand this piece of who I am if you're ever going to truly understand who I am and why I do what I do. Those who know me well may know more of my backstory, but many don't because it's far too long and hard to explain in a quick chat over coffee - although my close friends will also know that I'm not shy in telling it if you ever truly wanted to know. You just have to ask me directly and be prepared to have a very long, in-depth conversation about it. In a very small, very condensed nutshell: God saved me from what I consider to be a prison worse than death, and I am 1000% more whole, healthy, and self-assured now because of the transformation that has since ensued. (I actually celebrated my 6th anniversary just last week - praise break!) I give Him all the glory and I will never get tired of telling my story because I love reflecting on and retelling of His incredible goodness and mercy in my life!! This is important to note because it's also fed into another more subversive and subconscious trap: believing that now that I'm "healed," I shouldn't have anxiety anymore. It's true, God redeemed me of the spiritual shackles that were pinning me down, but nothing about that makes me a super hero. I'm not suddenly divinely immune to emotional ups and downs, and I'm certainly not a perfectly-rendered piece of art. If anything, I'm finally just a rough draft that isn't completely off-balance. I would like to say that growing closer to God has smoothed out my rough spots and polished me up, but if anything it's removed my blinders to see just how deeply broken I still am. In art terms: now that my center line is finally vertical, you can see just how off my contour lines really are. And I think that's exactly what it's supposed to be doing. The closer I get to a perfect standard, the more apparent my flaws and imperfections become - driving me to come to grips with the fact that I DO need His help and I CAN'T do this on my own! However, the unfortunate silence in the spiritual community regarding mental health has not helped me very much. My broken instinct to pretend like it's all OK and that with God all my wounds will magically disappear is causing me to be toxic to myself. And believe me, it's not a mindset He has been on board with, either. I've had a growing internal knowledge that I'm not OK, but with no strength or direction on how to reach out for help in any way that mattered. So let this officially be the answer to the question you probably weren't asking: No, I'm not OK. I haven't been OK for a long time, but unfortunately I do have the superpower of putting on a fantastic face for those around me. And no, please don't blame yourself because I certainly don't. If I haven't let you get close to me, that's because I haven't known how to and there's nothing you could have done about it. But while I'm keenly aware that I need to be the one to allow myself to be helped, I'm also excruciatingly aware that I can't help myself. I know - I've been trying. We are designed to need each other and to need God. Some wounds only God can heal and some chains only God can break, but I'm learning that there are also others that He has intentionally designed us to need to help each other through. We are one body in Christ with one head, not millions of individual bodies somehow attached to the same head - and there's nothing wrong with an infected toe needing the assistance of some white blood cells or for a hand to help put on some disinfectant. The head directs those actions, but no one ever just thinks the actions without doing them (at least it wouldn't help them very much). The toe also needs to be able to speak up and cry for help or the nervous system will never be able to alert the rest of the body that any action is required. That's enough of the Body of Christ analogy for now... The point is: I'm acknowledging that I need help and that while your prayers are something I crave, they alone will never be enough to make this problem disappear like I've wanted them to. All I so desperately want is to be able to fix myself with a snap of my fingers and to never need to rely on anyone but myself and God, and the hard truth is that that's never going to happen. It's not supposed to. There's no instant gratification in our spiritual walks with God or our own mental well being. Some of the strongest people I know are the ones who are able to step into the light and talk about the real issues in their lives, so this is my first step to being able to do that. No blame, no judgement, and no fluff. The recent incident that has brought all of this boiling up to the surface seemed fairly innocent from the outside, which made me confused as to why I was suddenly battling a full-blown panic attack in class. But later I asked God about it and He said it was because my actions in the situation had been driven by one key lie that was informing everything else: that I'm not adequate as I am. That I needed to be - or at least act - different. And in forcing myself to step out of my normal boundaries, I found myself in a position I was not emotionally or psychologically prepared for. From this I've learned that there's nothing wrong with being who I am, even when I'm annoyed at myself for it. I can't force myself into a different stage of health than the one I'm currently in, and if I try to then I will have to deal with the consequences of my own impatience. So don't worry, I'm not in danger from myself or anyone else and I don't need you to immediately call me to check up on me. (I'm in Italy, so that would actually be pretty hard anyways, lol) I'm not writing this because anything has changed, but actually because I want things to change. I want to force myself to stop interacting from behind a mask that I'm rarely-if-ever strong enough to take off for myself. I live under way too much pressure not to impose on anyone to show you the hurt I'm carrying inside. I only hope that some of the people in my life who read this will be able to keep it in mind the next time you see me. Please don't grill me about it, but also please don't sweep it under the rug like everything else. Lord knows I do that to myself way too much and I need someone else to be strong enough for me sometimes. If you ask me and I say I'm OK, know that it's only because I either don't feel safe enough in that context or I don't have enough time/energy/broadband to deal with the full answer at that moment. That, or I genuinely haven't asked myself that question and simply don't have an answer to give you. I'm not trying to blow you off or pretend like this post never happened - I just need to be in a place where I can access my true emotions without causing any further damage. And if you've actually managed to read through this entire thing, know that I'm incredibly thankful to have you in my life and I would deeply appreciate your prayers! Thank you and I love you!! <3 |
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March 2023
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