I love how much just one chapter of the Bible can say! Old or New Testament, I am always so awestruck by the clarity of God's voice throughout scripture speaking not just universal truths to the human condition, but also so many personal notes of love.
He leads me to passages like this, that I would never think to go look up on my own but that He leads me to just when I need them. He's been speaking to people since ancient history about who He is and continues to say the same things to my own heart today - what a trippy thing to think about! The same voice, the same message, the same love, not just for the prophet Samuel or King David, but for me... Wow. But it doesn't stop there!
There aren't words. The author uses such vivid descriptions to show the power of God - the one who created this world and who truly holds all power over it. This furious power that could render our entire world into rubble with one brush of His hand and that wields the elements of our universe with such ease. Even the most solid and permanent things we have to look to in this world are wafts of smoke before Him and He is willing to move heaven and earth to be my protector. Every time that sinks in deeper, I realize how much I simply don't get it. I don't get how that can be - how He could care about me that much and why He would actually see fit to intervene in my daily life. I don't understand the greatness of His power or of His heart for me, much less His overwhelmingly strong desire for my good and for me to be with Him. All I can do is turn towards Him with what little understanding and offering I do have.
Him being my shield doesn't just stop at being my covering. When I stand up and hold on to Him as my protector and defender, He gives me so much more than respite and comfort in the hard times. He teaches me and trains me. He speaks to me and shows me mysteries about who He is, who I am, and of this world He has created. He put a sword in my hand and fills my heart with the seeds of heaven to see His kingdom come. To know where my strength comes from and see His perspective in every situation, no matter how seemingly dark; that is more real and more powerful than any ruse the enemy might try to show me. The truth is, I don't live in the power of sin anymore. Satan has no power over me anymore, so I don't need to fear him or buy into his version of 'reality;' I am one who is standing in eternity with my father and every step I take is in that authority and takes back ground for His kingdom. Even when that true reality has yet to become visible to the physical world, those are the spiritual physics going on behind the scenes and the warfare that He guides me through.
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You know how sometimes you think you understood something and then one day you finally get it and then you wonder what you thought before? It's like you used to know it in your head but one day it makes its way down to your core and it is no longer a piece of knowledge in your head, but a piece of truth that your heart can hold onto. If this has happened to you, you know exactly what I mean. If not, just trust me...it may sound confusing, but it will make perfect sense when you're in that moment. That moment when God gives you the kind of revelation that makes you wonder how you lived a healthy life before you knew it. So many times, the epiphanies He gives me are things I've already discovered but suddenly find a new depth to. A perfect and incredibly simple example of this principal happened to my brother when he was about 4. One day he walked up to my mom with wide eyes and said in a hushed voice one of the most profound things he has probably ever said in his life. "Mommy..." He paused before clearly articulating his revelation. "Good is good...and bad is bad." So simple, obvious, and honestly really funny, but so true! He knew what the words good and bad meant, but one day they just clicked on a new level inside of him and since then he has had one of the most clear grids of what is right and wrong that I have ever encountered. The other night, I realized something that I thought I already knew. That I can't fight my own battles. Now, this is just a stream of my own processing, so before you think I'm crazy, please give me grace in that I don't know the answers to my own questions yet. I am working on sharing my thoughts, though, so here goes. There is plenty in the Bible about fighting. Paul says "I have fought the good fight..." (2 Timothy 4:7) Ephesians says that our struggle is against the enemy and teaches us to put on the armor of God for that very reason (6:10-17). One very clear verse about spiritual warfare is 2 Corinthians 10:3-4, "For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds." I am a strong believer in the importance of spiritual warfare and through my life have had to do quite a bit of it. Too much to have any doubt in the power of Jesus' name or the importance of calling on His covering and protection, but that's just it, isn't it? It can be deceiving to call it spiritual warfare and have the mental picture of dressing ourselves in armor when in reality, this is what I've found: that I can't fight my own battles. I'm not supposed to. I have no strength or power over the spiritual, nor do I know the "right" prayers to pray to make demons flee or anything like that. Does that contradict the idea of Spiritual warfare? Not in the least, if you have a healthy idea of that term. "Who is it that overcomes the world except the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God?" (1 John 5:5) "My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth." (Psalm 121:2) "Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. I cling to you; your right hand upholds me. Those who want to kill me will be destroyed; they will go down to the depths of the earth." (Psalm 63:7-9) I love that picture. And I feel like David - one of the mightiest and most renowned warriors in the entire Bible - had it right. His strength came from him clinging to God. The book of Psalms is full of cries for help, statements of faith that the Lord would be his shield, and thanksgiving for God being his strength. His wild success was rooted in him very actively making God the one he ran to. That is the kind of warfare that I believe we are called to. James 4:7 says "So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you." It doesn't say to take matters into your own hands, it says to stand up against the devil. Don't sit down in defeat and let him get a clear shot at you, but also be careful to know where you're coming from and "humble yourself before God." Spiritual warfare is completely necessary and I believe it to be a vital part of living my life for Jesus. I want to fight the good fight. I've realized, though, to be careful not to let that turn into a works mentality or a form of trusting in my own strength instead of leaning into His. I am going to actively stand up against the devil and cling to the one who does have all authority and power over the enemy, who He has already defeated. Not out of fear, but out of knowing where my strength lies. And in that I pray that I am one "who dwells in the shelter of the Most High [and] will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." For He will rescue you from the trap of the hunter and from the plague of calamities; He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings you will find refuge; His truth is a shield and protection." (Psalm 91:1-4) P.S. I had no idea what pinions were, so I looked it up. Apparently its the part of a bird's wings that is where the big feathers are, the ones it uses for flying.
I've been home for over 3 weeks...wow, that feels weird to say. Time takes on a whole new meaning when you live in 3 month increments. It tends to pass differently in each place I go, too. In Kona, the days are long but the weeks just seem to fly by. On Outreach, every day and week seem to drag on, then suddenly you are done and you wonder where the time went.
Home is different. The days feel dramatically shorter and I find myself feeling incredibly unproductive compared to what I've been used to. I think part of it also has to do with not feeling at home. Yes, this is the house my family lives in, but I still don't feel like this new house is "home" quite yet. That's not a problem, really; after all, I've spent the last 15 months jumping from place to place, but now this feels like just another house I live in instead of a home I can call my own. It's on the way towards feeling like home, but I don't know if it will hold that sentimental tie to my heart anytime soon. In the mean time, I've been looking forward to what January holds for me. The School of Illustration! Of course, I don't want my anticipation of the school to prevent me from being in the here and now, but at the same time I am glad to know what I'm heading towards. My heart is torn between two semi-homes and wanting to pick one. This place has the potential to be a wonderful home base for me to come back to from wherever I go, but I am still in the process of making it such. Kona is where I've spent the majority of my time since joining YWAM, it's my base and I feel attached to it. Still, the nature of living in YWAM is being a part of the constant flow of people coming and going in 3 month increments and I don't know how long I can pour my heart into such an environment. For now, though, it's perfect. Perfect to have both and to receive all the training they can each give me. And with that, I come back to the here-and-now. I'm treasuring my time with my little sister, who is 11 now and growing up so fast. She's changed so much in the time I spent away and I am just loving being a part of her world again. I'm remembering what an awesome family and group of friends I have in my life and choosing to spend as much quality time with them as possible. I love planning about and praying into the places God is leading me, but right now the people in front of me are way more important than the mountains in the distance. He reminds me of that, too, every time I start to worry or plan about what I don't know about my future. I know He's got it under control and that I won't be here forever, so I should make the time last. He knows where He's taking me, how I'm going to get there, and how it will be provided for. It can be hard, but I'm learning how to take a deep breath and let that just be my reality and let my heart position be "OK, Lord, I trust you." Tomorrow I will have been back home for 3 weeks. 3 weeks of what feels like God putting me on time out for my own good. Timeouts are usually a form of punishment we remember from childhood - being sat down and having to wait for the timer to go off or for mom to remember to let me get back up - but what is it like to be on timeout as an adult? Ok, yes, I suppose a more direct equivalent would be getting thrown in jail...but I do think that sometimes our Heavenly Father sees a need to "put us on timeout" for different reasons, yet in the same heart as my earthly father used to. It may not feel fun, but I know it is with my best at heart. God knows me best, and He knows I've been running on momentum for longer than I can remember. Well over a year, though this last year has held a definite acceleration in speed. I'm good at it, it's what I know. It's how I function; how I cope. I run full speed ahead and never look back, never take too deep of a breath, and never let myself take my eyes off of my goal. It's a good way to get things done, but not to let myself process. Even though I do see this ability as a strength, every strength comes with a weakness and the inability to tap the brakes appears to be mine. So God's been giving me a hand with that. Since coming home, all my mind has gravitated towards is "What am I doing next?" "Where am I going next?" "What's the plan?" But every time I ask Him, His answers are along the lines of "Rest." "Enjoy the scenery." "Wait patiently." At first, that sounded like a good idea, then I realized how hard it can be. I was surprised to find how difficult it is to get myself to wind down after so long of being ready to jump into whatever new situation comes along. I've been going to God on a daily basis with this consistent theme coming from Him and finding that the only times I can rest are when He helps me. Yes, I can be lazy if I let myself, but that's not restful. I just start irritating myself with how unproductive I am. No, rest is not a lack of productivity, but a mindset. A redirection of focus and productivity. A releasing of self expectation and redirection of energy into the things that feed my soul. An afternoon spent solely reading the Bible, worshipping, praying, painting, playing piano, etc. Connecting with God in my heart space in a capacity that I haven't in a long time. Not to say that I haven't connected with God in a long time - there could be nothing further from the truth. I've only survived the last year with my sanity in tact because I've spent it at His feet, pouring out my all and knowing that the only strength I will have to stand back up is in the measure that He gives it to me. Total surrender and complete dependence on God for every moment of every day - needless to say, I've learned a lot in that, but now it's time for a new posture. I'm still at His feet, still pouring everything I am out before Him, but He has been shifting my cry from "I need your help!" and "Send me!" to "Teach me how..." and "Show me your face!" His words to me are ones that draw me to a deep place of surrender in a new chamber of my heart.
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ErikaJeremiah 29:11 Archives
March 2023
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