So I've been trying to think of something to post and realized I forgot to share a story from last month that was totally amazing! God is always incredible, especially in the ways He answers prayer. He is so much more creative than I ever could be and continually finds ways to blow my mind. His plans really are way cooler than my own ideas and this was a perfect reminder to step back and see that He's got the big picture. Last semester at the Junior College, I took an art class that I absolutely loved! Art is what keeps me going; it's one of my most prominent forms of worship and expression of everything God tells and shows me. Learning more about color and the way that we can use it to create such beauty and depth is one of those things that just brings me alive inside. Needless to say, I LOVED that class!! What was a little discouraging, though, was that I made a lot of friends in the class, but I felt like I wasn't being allowed to be as forward as I've been used to. Coming out of the YWAM culture, I'm so used to talking about Jesus with everyone I meet, but every time I went to class that wasn't happening. I prayed every day for open doors to share, or simply for the ability to live out the peace and joy Jesus has placed inside of me. I had a couple instances in which I was able to do so, but for the most part it was hard ground. I would have had to force a conversation to happen and in so doing become that abrasive preacher that so many people have a knee-jerk reaction to. So day-in and day-out, I went to class and absorbed everything I could from the teacher while looking for opportunities to let my light shine even in the smallest ways. I would be lying to say that I wasn't discouraged about it. As the semester went on, I felt a growing sense of frustration. I had been living life as a missionary in other countries and seeing kingdom fruit growing out of it, yet here it didn't seem like there were any ways for me to be me. But as the semester drew to a close, I finally saw it. My open door, a mile wide and staring me in the face: our final project. The class was focused on color (mixing, toning, color theory, etc.), and so the final project was very simple yet complex. We were to paint a self portrait out of three nested squares, each one's color representing the different layers of ourselves and being placed together in relationships that shared energy. (a little hard to explain) The outermost square was to be the color we let the world see, the innermost color was the color we felt was at our very core, and the middle color to be our 'esprit' or (as I can most simply state the concept) our soul. [In this case, I am using the term soul to mean our mind, emotions, fears, struggles, desires, and in general things of that nature.] My camera wasn't quite able to capture the true essence of the colors, but this'll have to do. Everyone traced the same composition and filled the spaces with their own colors. It was interesting to see both the variety and the similarity that occurred in the group's projects. Most people just inserted their favorite colors and adjusted them to harmonize, but the more I worked on mine the more it shifted. Each color was a combination of introspection and prayer, and in the end were even better than my first vision had been. On the day of the final, we were each given 3 minutes to share about our colors, why we had chosen them, and what they represented. In front of 25-30 people, I got to stand and freely share exactly what each color meant. I didn't know how people would receive it, but I was going all-in with this one. In 3 minutes, I told my testimony. How I used to be so depressed and suicidal that I felt like there was nothing but a black hole inside of me, yet the instant I let Jesus change me He replaced that darkness with the beautiful golden light that is now the very core of who I am. That mask I used to wear to make people think I was OK has been transformed into a genuine peace that permeates my life and that I want everyone around me to see. And the in-between - my mind and heart - are in transition. That color is being transformed to be like the light of Jesus inside of me. It is a [warning: color theory terminology] toned version of my core color. It was brief, yet precise, and exactly what needed to be said. Everyone listened to me intently and most even smiled. Afterwards, as we said goodbye to each other, 4 or 5 of my fellow students came and thanked me for sharing. I had unashamedly and openly shared the journey I have been on and everyone that talked to me about it had been shocked to think that I could ever have been in such a dark place. The transformation God has done in my life was truly evident to my classmates and it impacted them to see the results. Most of them I knew were not Christians, but they still thanked me for sharing my story in such a powerful way. God gave me the prefect door to share with not just one but all of the people in my class and have it be received. I will probably never know what seeds were planted by it, but the most amazing part of it was simply that my prayers were heard. God knew from the moment I signed up for that class what the final assignment would be and how He wanted me to soften the soil ahead of my testimony simply by me being caring and cheerful, not by spouting scripture or praying for healing. Even though I felt like I wasn't being true to that part of myself, it was me simply being me that was making the difference. God was answering my prayers even as I felt like they weren't being heard, and His answer ended up being so much better than anything I could have asked Him for!
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But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. This is why it is said: I have always taken this verse to refer to the way in which Jesus can redeem my past. I have gone through a lot in my short life which I am not proud of and that only Jesus' blood can wash away. The glorious news which truly is the shining light in my life is that He has washed me as white as snow and both forgiven my past and written my future.
The cool thing about Jesus is that every blemish and pothole in my life along the way has not just been forgiven and forgotten. It is still my life and He has totally transformed it; when His light filled my life, it filled my past too. It turned my every mistake and misstep from a scarlet stain to a testimony. I no longer need to be ashamed of it, but can know that in telling it I am giving Him glory. Every time I think of where He has taken me from, I can only be amazed by His love and forgiveness. Sharing that amazing story with others turns things that I used to be ashamed of into examples of His greatness. Int his way, everything in me exposed by His light has become a light. This is not just true to my story, but to everyone's that has Jesus living inside of them. It is our privilege to be carriers of this light and to let the lights of our own transformations be known. I could go on and on about how much I love Jesus's transformative power that is expressed by this verse, but I think God likes to switch things up on us sometimes. As I was reading through Ephesians today, I was touched in a different way by this verse. The second half illuminated it in a new way for me. "This is why it is said: “Wake up, sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.”" In it I saw that Paul's focus is not on my past, but on myself. Not me, personally, but me as a "sleeper." When I did rise from the death of my sin without Christ, Jesus shone His light on and in me, illuminating my past as well as who He has made me to be. He has made me a light for His kingdom. My past is now a light, and so is my future. I don't know exactly where He's taking me or what I'll end up doing, but I know I've surrendered everything to Him and that He has not taken that lightly. He is faithful to complete the work He has started in me and that includes the way He has promised that my life will be fruitful as long as I walk in the path He has laid out for me and let the gifts He has given me shine. It's a relief and a wonderful reminder that my own transformation has very little to do with me. Not only that, but that He has placed His DNA inside of me and it will accomplish what He has set to do with me and my life. |
ErikaJeremiah 29:11 Archives
March 2023
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