Tomorrow I will have been back home for 3 weeks. 3 weeks of what feels like God putting me on time out for my own good. Timeouts are usually a form of punishment we remember from childhood - being sat down and having to wait for the timer to go off or for mom to remember to let me get back up - but what is it like to be on timeout as an adult? Ok, yes, I suppose a more direct equivalent would be getting thrown in jail...but I do think that sometimes our Heavenly Father sees a need to "put us on timeout" for different reasons, yet in the same heart as my earthly father used to. It may not feel fun, but I know it is with my best at heart. God knows me best, and He knows I've been running on momentum for longer than I can remember. Well over a year, though this last year has held a definite acceleration in speed. I'm good at it, it's what I know. It's how I function; how I cope. I run full speed ahead and never look back, never take too deep of a breath, and never let myself take my eyes off of my goal. It's a good way to get things done, but not to let myself process. Even though I do see this ability as a strength, every strength comes with a weakness and the inability to tap the brakes appears to be mine. So God's been giving me a hand with that. Since coming home, all my mind has gravitated towards is "What am I doing next?" "Where am I going next?" "What's the plan?" But every time I ask Him, His answers are along the lines of "Rest." "Enjoy the scenery." "Wait patiently." At first, that sounded like a good idea, then I realized how hard it can be. I was surprised to find how difficult it is to get myself to wind down after so long of being ready to jump into whatever new situation comes along. I've been going to God on a daily basis with this consistent theme coming from Him and finding that the only times I can rest are when He helps me. Yes, I can be lazy if I let myself, but that's not restful. I just start irritating myself with how unproductive I am. No, rest is not a lack of productivity, but a mindset. A redirection of focus and productivity. A releasing of self expectation and redirection of energy into the things that feed my soul. An afternoon spent solely reading the Bible, worshipping, praying, painting, playing piano, etc. Connecting with God in my heart space in a capacity that I haven't in a long time. Not to say that I haven't connected with God in a long time - there could be nothing further from the truth. I've only survived the last year with my sanity in tact because I've spent it at His feet, pouring out my all and knowing that the only strength I will have to stand back up is in the measure that He gives it to me. Total surrender and complete dependence on God for every moment of every day - needless to say, I've learned a lot in that, but now it's time for a new posture. I'm still at His feet, still pouring everything I am out before Him, but He has been shifting my cry from "I need your help!" and "Send me!" to "Teach me how..." and "Show me your face!" His words to me are ones that draw me to a deep place of surrender in a new chamber of my heart.
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March 2023
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