For years I have been in a constant cycle of pain - between my hips, my back, my neck, my knees, my ankles...you name it, it has probably given me issues. Because of this, I feel it has changed my perspective on life in different ways over time. I didn't know how much until recently, when I looked back at the ways it has affected me.
It has most definitely driven me closer to God in that I am consistently praying and asking for prayer for healing and the relief of pain. Those prayers have been answered countless times in the moment, but I have yet to see that healing be permanent. Still, any improvement is cause for celebration in my book! It has also given me a lot more compassion for people with injuries. While my pain is not at the same level as many peoples', the relentlessness of it and instances where it really is bad enough to immobilize me have truly given me compassion for others in pain. Both for those in even worse states than myself as well as even someone's headache or sprained ankle. It has given me more faith. While some might be discouraged by the lack of truly lasting change, I choose to see every single instance of God's grace in my life. Every time He had relieved my pain, every time I have woken up in less pain than the day before, every time I do something that should increase my pain but doesn't, is a miracle! I have found prayer to be the most powerful answer to pain possible and because of that I have more faith to ask for prayer for myself as well as to offer prayer to others. It has made me more determined. When I literally always have a good excuse to get out of things, it has actually created in me a greater sense of prioritizing and pushing through for different things. Instead of using it to get out of things I might not want to do, it has given me a challenge to stay and fight. To persevere and seek God in the most mundane and painful of situations. I've realized that, while I could use it as a get-out-of-jail-free card, the fruit of staying is oftentimes worth it. There are times when I literally cannot physically continue to do whatever it is we are doing, but if I stay as long as I can, I find I have so much more of a sense of accomplishment than if I just quit once the pain starts escalating. Because honestly, I wouldn't do much with my life if I did, and this life is too beautiful to miss. Because of the need to fight for such things, what once would have seemed to be a nuisance becomes worth pouring my attention into. What had seemed a little pointless becomes something I am sacrificing for and that I WILL find value in lest the pain be for nothing. And it is surprising what value can be found in things if you are truly looking. It has made me more optimistic. The temptation is so strong to succumb to the pain and give up - to let myself be in a bad mood - but what's the point in that? After many times of letting myself go to a place of succumbing to my circumstances, I have realized that that is no way to live. I would much rather find myself hobbling down the street nearly in tears and yet be able to smile and smell the flowers. I would rather sing when I want to scream than give in and waste away into a heap of gray emotion and hopelessness. Been there, done that, not going there again! And then it hit me... In a brief moment of truly not having anything in my body hurt, I feel like I had an epiphany. Feeling nothing was seriously one of the sweetest sensations I had felt in as long as I could remember. But would I have appreciated that moment half as much if I was not in my current situation? If I did not know what it was like to live in chronic pain, would I be able to find such sweet serenity in the peaceful moments in-between? And that got me thinking... On the same train of thought, would I love the quiet as much if I did not live in a loud environment? Would I find so much life in joy if I had not known such deep depression? Would I so anticipate trying new things now if I had never had a hard time trying new things in the past? To me, at least, the answers to these questions are pretty obvious. The questions they led me to were even more eye opening. Could someone who had never been in bondage be able to fully comprehend the ecstasy of being set free? While I have never been physically enslaved, I have known all too well the feeling of being spiritually enslaved, and let me tell you that the first moments of freedom are indescribably surreal. True ecstasy. I can't even imagine having actually lived a life as a slave and then being given my freedom. And then the big one: Would I appreciate God's saving grace if I was not so aware of my sin? Most definitely not! There is something about the moments of peace that make the life of chaos worth it. That make the silence worth the torrent. That make the gift worth the gaping void. I know I would not have such an appreciation for my own life, this world, the people around me, or God's incredible love if I had not walked every step of my life up to this point. No matter how hard some of those days were, they were worth it for me to gain some more of God's perspective. For that reason, I would not go back and change any of it even if I could. It gives me whole new appreciation for every event of my past, present, and future. Just as all of my past trials have built in me a character I would not have otherwise, everything I go through now is creating in me even more. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds..." (James 1:2 NIV) "...We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." (Romans 5:3-5 NIV)
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