This season has been a challenging one. Over the last few months, I have been swaying between the poles of living in complete peace and contentment with my situation, to questioning all my decisions, and then back again. That kind of self doubt is like a weight on my chest that just keeps building up over time until I suffocate. Resting in God is the only thing that makes me feel sane and whole again. But the more often I let things build up, the more guilty I felt after I'd realized I was back in the same place again. I felt like I was just wasting my time not knowing what I'm doing with my life. God must have had me stay here for a reason, and yet all I've done with it is become an intermittent emotional wreck. I came to harbor an underlying fear that I was disappointing God because I wasn't living with the same conviction and purpose that I usually have. That guilt had started building up like a wall in between my heart and God until I became so desensitized that I couldn't even trust anything I heard Him saying. That is the worst feeling in the world!!
It wasn't until I ate my pride and took it to God honestly that I was finally able to let that feeling go. As soon as I admitted how I'd been thinking, God was able to show me that He saw it completely differently than I did. My instinct was to compare myself with what could have been, but that doesn't exist with God. He gives us choices and tries to lead us down the paths that will be the best for us, but when we make another turn, that becomes all there is. The other choices we could have made don't sit around to show us what we could have had. God lives with us %100 in the here and now, excited about our next step, not sad about one we didn't make. I guess it just took me a while to realize that I was the only one who felt like I had been failing. Any sense of failure or comparing with what I should have been doing was just a lie that I had received. While I was wallowing in that, God was waiting for me to wake up and realize that today is a new day and its way more worth living well than being spent worrying about yesterday. I'd made prisons in my own mind out of walls I had constructed, and He was standing there with the key waiting for me to let Him open the door. Just like Paul in 2 Corinthians, I can only boast in my weaknesses because it is when I am weak that He is strong in me. When I fail, it creates all the more need for Him to come in.
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ErikaJeremiah 29:11 Archives
March 2023
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