This post is going to be rather different than my normal posts - I just can't contain my excitement and awe over who God is and what He's done! I don't like disclosing details, but I can still give Him tons of glory in stating the generalities.
Background: I am someone who's always overachieved and striven to be excellent at everything I do. It's a type A, firstborn thing I guess... But the massive trap in living that way is that I'm never going to live up to my own expectations. No matter how supportive my family and friends are, I rarely feel good enough, and I always live under the oppressive shadow telling me I can and should be doing better/more. It's a seductive, poisonous lie that I've found follows knowing you are capable of succeeding; and it's a stronghold God has been faithfully and patiently washing out of me for quite some time now. Lately I've been re-convicted once more about this toxic mindset and it's been on my mind and heart to let God be the one to take the wheel - to trust Him as my provider and as the one who will open the right doors for me. Little did I know just how massively He would do so! Long story short, an opportunity that I hadn't even known to be looking for basically fell into my lap one day and I wasn't even sure what to do with it at first. Something that I would have traditionally considered myself completely unqualified for and unable to attain, suddenly made more simple and easy than my wildest dreams. Even after I thought I'd flubbed it and was kicking myself for letting something like that get away, it came right back as if I had done everything perfectly (which believe me, I SOOOO did not!) And not only did the opportunity stay, but the timing of it has become completely compatible with the adjustments I need to make. Instead of having to bend over backwards to make it work like I had thought - and traditionally have come to assume - I've been given grace to start at a time a pace that works for me completely. This whole thing has basically been one massive teaching lesson from God, regardless of the tangible blessings I've also been given. I've learned that as long as I lean on and trust in God to be the one to pave my path, He will do so with far more than the gravel I was planning on using. I can trust that He sees something inside of my of far greater value than anything I see, and He really is determined to draw it out no matter how stubborn I may be. He knows me best and will always be faithful to make me wait for the blessings I don't see up ahead. And the best part: even when I try my hardest to live His way and inevitably fail out of my own limits and weaknesses, He will always make up the difference with His astoundingly abundant grace!! I can have peace in knowing that no mistake I can make will ever be big enough to undo the goodness God has decided to lavish upon me. As long as I remain under His loving covering, I need not fear anything - not even myself.
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March 2023
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