Today I had a long overdue chat with God. I will normally get about 30 min of really good time in before the house wakes up and the noise level explodes, but this morning everyone else left early and I found the house blissfully peaceful. Upon cranking up my worship music and reveling in my alone time, we sat down and had a nice talk that really revealed some things to me that I hadn't quite realized yet.
I haven't given myself permission to be me. Not fully, anyways. I am all about expression in any medium I can get my hands on, and I've never been held back by fear of what others think in that sense, but I have let an unspoken pressure creep up on me. I haven't let myself just let go of expectation. Let's be honest, I'm 20 years old. I'm not supposed to have it all figured out yet! I've always been very mature and accomplished for my age and I guess I never realized how much I've let that reflect on my own self image. I find little pride in it, per se, but the fact is that I've become rather used to being very "put together" and knowing what I'm doing. I have been feeling inexplicably off my game in the last few months and had been chalking it up to the process of grieving my grandfather. I do still believe that that has largely impacted my internal state of being of late, and rightly so, but that's not the only thing that's been on my subconscious's mind. It's little things like the fact that I have no idea what I'm doing in April. That I'm pursuing a degree that I'm only %60 sure I want. That people are starting to ask me when my next book is coming out and I don't even know what to write about. That there are so many things I want to do but no answer in sight as to how or which ones. Basically, I've been feeling sub-par to myself. I've grown so much in who I am in the last couple years that I've fallen head over heels in love for God in a way I can only begin to describe. I don't want to find myself wavering in a similar plateau spiritually, though, not knowing where to go. It seems my mind is reflecting my heart. Everything in my life is poised for some kind of turning point, but I don't know what that even means or will look like and it is in that place that I've stopped giving myself room to just not know. To be 20 and still figuring life out. To explore life and not worry about the impact tomorrow will have on the next 10 years of my life. It's the opposite problem, I know, than many people have around my age, but it is also very hard to deal with. I want to give myself that permission - I really do - but at the same time I don't know how. How do I stop taking life so seriously for a moment and enjoy today for what it is? How do I get out of my head and just do and be instead of contemplating all the ins and outs and what-then's first? I was mesmerized by a log on fire as I contemplated and a song came on that sparked another thought. "You provide the fire, I'll provide the sacrifice. You provide the Spirit and I will open up inside..." (Fill Me Up by Jesus Culture) I love that song so much, but it started to mean something new to me as I watched that gnarled, dry log crackle and spark. The log doesn't seem to be doing much. Yes, it's giving off a lot of energy and the fire is even changing its appearance, completely consuming it until there will eventually be nothing left but a small pile of pale ash, but that is what the fire is doing. The log is simply resting in its state of being consumed. What should it look like for me to be that sacrifice? For my life to provide the fuel for that heat, light, and beauty, but only because I am on fire. To be completely at rest in every other way and to be OK with that?
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March 2023
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