There I sat at His feet, my favorite place in the world. So peaceful. So safe. So loved.
He leaned down and stroked my hair, His very touch making my heart leap. It was here that I felt most alive. He was my father. My savior. My best friend. “Do you trust me?” He asked tenderly as His loving eyes gazed into mine. “With everything in me.” I replied honestly. “Would you trust me with your heart?” “Of course.” He had never once hurt me and had in fact saved me time after time – I knew I could trust Him in every way. “Would you give me everything in your heart?” “Yes.” I said as genuinely as I knew how. He looked down in my lap and my eyes followed His gaze to that thing I was holding onto that He so obviously wanted me to give Him. As I held it in my hands – everything I was, hoped for, dreamed, thought about myself – I suddenly realized how much harder it actually was to give it to Him than just to say ‘yes.’ “…I don’t know if I can.” I slowly and sorrowfully realized that I found myself unable to do what I had just promised Him. It broke my heart to realize how unable I was to actually do what I so desperately wanted to be able to do. “One piece at a time,” He said with such love and patience. “Just start with one.” With pain and resistance tearing at my resolve, I slowly raised one hand and picked up a piece. My time. It hurt to pick it up, yet I so desperately wanted to give it to Him, so I placed it into His open hand and released it. As it left my possession, it felt as if something precious had just been ripped out of me, yet in that I felt such peace and freedom. I knew it was in good hands – better, even, than my own. Next piece. This time, it was a little easier. My talents. It, too, hurt to pick up, but I knew it was worth it. One last look and I let go, dropping it gently in His open palm. My friends. My family. My future. My dreams – that one hurt. My aspirations. My hopes for the future. Each piece a little bigger than the last and going deeper and deeper into my heart. As I scooped out each one, it stung to lose yet was replaced with even more relief. I watched as my pile diminished and the pile in His hands grew. I looked at those things – everything that made me me – and though it hurt, I knew that He was so good. That He would not hurt them and that He was faithful to take care of them and to give them back to me when the time was right. I looked back down at the remainder of what I held. It was so much lighter than it had been earlier, yet I was not done. So much had been given up and now those things that had been hidden underneath the surface were brought to light. At the very bottom, clinging to the very center, were small, dark parasites. Their claws had dug into my heart and I did not know how to pry them out. They were sucking the life right out of me. Self hatred. Doubt. Fear. Insecurity. Fearing what others thought of me. Selfishness. Jealousy. Judgment. Self-righteousness. Impatience. Comparison. Shame. With tears streaming down my face, I could not bear to look back up at Him. I did not want Him to see the ugliness at my core. “Will you give me those things too?” He asked with the most gentle voice I had ever heard. His voice alone only brought more tears to the surface as I stared at the creatures that had so long been lodged into my heart. “I don’t know how.” I said sorrowfully. No matter how I pulled at them, they only held on tighter and jabbed at the tender places inside of me. In defeat, I finally let go and let the whole thing drop into my lap, my arms drooping to my sides lifelessly and my head hanging. “Let me.” He said, His comforting words bringing life to my hopelessness even in that moment. One by one, He tenderly reached down and took hold of the little parasites. At His touch, they released their hold and were drawn out and disappeared. They stung fiercely to be removed, but the instant they left, that place they had been for so long received a surge of new life and freedom like I never could have imagined. The process was so painful, yet the most wonderful thing I had ever felt in my life. Chains that had weighed me down were removed and bonds cut. I could sit up straighter, breathe deeper, see clearer, and became increasingly aware of the light radiating from His face and of how much He really loved me. Finally, the last one was taken out and I looked down again. I couldn’t believe the difference that it had made. I looked so different – so clean. For the first time, I looked at myself and did not hate what I saw. “I’m beautiful!” I cried out with joy, beaming up into His kind face. “You always were,” He said. “Those things weren’t you, they were just in the way of you seeing yourself the way I’ve always seen you.” Now there was room in my heart for those things I had given Him. The conflict gone; the weight vanished. With the parasites cleaned out and gone forever, now there was nothing taking up room and sapping my very life from me. One by one, He returned them to me. Piece by piece, my heart was filled again. This time, though it was different. Some things, once put back, no longer seemed important. Such heavy things I had been clinging to became small and easy to put into perspective. Other things, though, finally had a chance to bloom. Things that had never been given a chance to grow, blossomed in His light and became so much more alive than they had ever been able to be before. His light and His love poured in and fed those things, giving them life and vibrancy like I had never known before. Before I realized it, my misshapen and bruised heart had been cleaned out and restored and made into what it had always been meant to be: a garden.
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